Questions That Need Answers

A favourite poem of mine

There are 4 questions which plague me;

1. What stands behind?

2. What is not as it appears?

3. What do I know deep in my self that I wish I did not know?

4. What of me has been killed or lays dying?

I think I know the answers already at the back of my head but it's very difficult to put it into words. I would go so far as to say that bringing these answers to the surface of my consciousness scares the hell out of me.

I'm afraid to acknowledge that there are things within me, that I've contained so well, that confronting it now will bring chaos to my perceived peacefulness but in my fear, I'm eager and excited to see what will become of me once I let everything that has ever held me back go. It's a feeling that combines both fear and curiosity, and with me, curiosity usually wins. In this case, I hope it wins.

Do you know what I've come to realise when you embark on a journey like mine? It's that when you come to the point where you have to re-evaluate yourself, you need to take a step back and view yourself from a third person's point-of-view. The only difference is that when you play the third person role, you're the third person who knows yourself best.

While this agonising interrogation of my character and the mental stripping of everything I was and how I came to be is happening, I can't help but feel a little forlorn. Like something inside me is nazak. You know, nazak? It's a Malay word which means dying. 😅 It feels as if I'm struggling to revitalise that dying part of me and I can't stop the birthing of a self that I'm not familiar with yet. It's like I'm pushing myself on-purpose to leave my comfort zone behind and move into the war-zone which is to become my new home, and I have no way to stop it. The only thing that's slowing down this process is procrastination on my part.

However, my reluctance to move out of the current place where my mind dwells is not so weird after all, if you think about it. Someone once said to me that change is scary and I second that, whether it be physical or mental change, whether it be an upgrade or a downgrade - change is scary. It's easier to live in complacency than venture into an unfamiliar place that will cause you discomfort and isolate you from others.

Change is, indeed, very scary. I know because I've lived in complacency for the most part of my 20s. My dad once asked me, "What happened to you, Shaza?" and I know exactly what he was referring to when he asked me this.

I used to be a very determined young girl. Don't tell me that I can't do anything. I wanted to be a prefect when I was 13 years old and I worked hard to be qualified (to the point where I memorised the rule book), and I became one and I was a good one. I wanted to leave a mark on the talent competition that I joined when I was 15, and I did. I wanted to be in a prestigious performing arts school in Malaysia, and I did. I went for it.

What happened to me? I became complacent and distracted. I let go of my life's objectives. I settled. That's what happened, and I can't stay this way any longer because it's asphyxiating.

Last night as I was cuddling up with my children - one arm in the arms of one child, one hand in the palm of another and one child with an arm over my neck - I can't help but be overcome by pity for these innocent little people who know nothing of the woes of the world. My little people.

How can I continue being a poor version of myself when I know that my kids are looking up to me? How can I ever forgive myself if they grow up and follow negative aspects of my character when I know I had the ability to become a better role-model for them? Whether we want to admit it or not, our kids will follow in our footsteps in some ways, if not all. We are their best role-model and to give them the advantage of having the best role-model that they can have then we too have to be the best version of ourselves. If we can't do it for ourselves then we should do it for our kids.

My mission in this journey is not to become a perfect human being. I can never be that, heck no one could ever. Rather I wish that with a better understanding of my weaknesses, I can gradually improve on it. I wish to be more accepting of the things that make me, me especially the things that I consider to be my flaws which really aren't. I wish to embrace that side of me that I've hidden so well and due to restraining this side from flourishing in a positive manner, I've developed so many insecurities about myself and built a wall that relishes on these insecurities, instead of addressing the reason behind it.

I'm always going to be Shaza, in essence - the woman who secretly loves the freckles on her nose, who makes stupid jokes just because she loves to make people smile, who speaks fluent sarcasm when she's angry and who loves uncool things that she doesn't talk about, who prefers books over people. For the rest of my life, I just want to be as I am and as I will be, unapologetically and on my own conditions, in happiness, and in sadness.

Still The Most Stubborn Woman After All,

Shaza