At Midnight

I was about to doze off not 10 minutes ago but then, I felt the urge to write. I haven't written for some time. Some time is a few days. I write more often these days. Writing is like "chicken soup" to my soul and listening to my special song while writing makes the experience all the better.

You know when I was young I thought my life would end the same way fairytales would - except fairytales never really end because the storytellers conveniently stop the stories at a wedding which creates a fucking big gap between "happily" and "ever after" in my very realistic mind.

Fortunately for me, the feminist in me came out quite early; I was 15 when I realised that no man can save me but myself. Still, I made mistakes. I made mistakes because I thought that maybe this mistake is IT. This is the "defining" moment of my life. Well, some of it did define my life in some way; basically, it drove me to the middle of a long road I wouldn't normally take and dropped me off like any hitchhiker, expecting me to navigate myself to my final destination.

So, here I am at midnight writing down god-knows-what-is-coming but there, I'm writing to pour my incessant thoughts down and that, in itself, is a blessing to me.

My life has been simple for the past 10 years; I settled down, gave birth to 4 kids, I have a career but somehow, I still felt like something was missing. It's a part of me that has been in hiding for a long, long time. I don't know what drew her out but I'm pretty damn sure the recent drastic changes in my life, that pretty much left me in the dirt, brought that woman in me out. And fuck! I miss her!

She's the voice in me that goes "Fuck it! I'm doing this! Fuck what people say". She's also the reckless voice that gave me some of the best times in my life. Not because what I did was downright reckless (ok, maybe a bit), but because she was my voice of freedom. Now, when I say freedom, I don't mean running down a beach naked. I define my freedom as this ferocity within me that's pushing me to go after what I want, to live my life the way that I want and to be the best version of myself ACCORDING TO ME - no matter the consequences and obstacles that I may face. Actually, FUCK THE CONSEQUENCES & OBSTACLES. The best part is I'm now going after whatever I want with the most powerful tool any person can ever have - EXPERIENCE! It's like you're going to war a second time but the difference is this time you can fight better because now, you got better weapons, better armor, and better strategy. Aha!

Well, I guess that's enough for tonight. Til next time.

SFK